finding my fly: setting the bar higher

4 Oct

Finishing off another day of healing filled with small successes and reaching the end of the day is an achievement in and of itself. Still struggling to fall asleep at a reasonable hour but managed to get my 30 minutes of walking in today along with success on a few tasks I had to chip away at and even went to class–even though I wasn’t prepared to take the assigned quiz today. As I’ve been laying here for the last two hours since getting home from class trying to force sleep I realize I’m missing physical contact at the moment. I realized that when my mom was here after my surgery I didn’t ask for nearly enough hugs, certainly some of that was situational considering my pain level and that the first two days she was here I was actually still in a hospital bed. But I also didn’t think I needed them apparently. But right now, could use a damn hug. Would gladly fall asleep to someone rubbing the back of my head…

Beyond missing comforting physical contact at the moment I’m honestly feeling really neglected by my friends here in Oakland. I appreciate the encouragement and interest from far and wide, the FB comments/messages, texts, all that serves a purpose. But I have friends located in the same city as me and the bar of how we support each other simply has to be higher. I know that in our social media heavy lives it seems as though a facebook like or comment might represent a meaningful interaction but it pales in comparison to what I really truly need right now. I’m having a hard time making sure I get out and walk for 30 minutes, I have friends here who could help facilitate that who I haven’t heard from in days. I need a “How are you feeling?” text message to be followed with a “is there anything I can do to support your healing?” text message. That’s what I need. I don’t need to recount  how today I’m sleepier than yesterday or how I held off taking meds til 6pm, all that I can share in a status update. There are real and tangible and in-person ways that I’m lacking support right now and no one appears to care about all that–they just wanna shoot a text message in between bites and lunch time and keep it moving. I cannot express enough how even though I’m out of the hospital I’m still not out of the woods and the psychological impacts of this healing journey is gonna be what brings me down before anything else.

I need you guys. Get me out of the house. Offer to run a couple errands with me. Bring me a pumpkin spiced latte. Small, but in-person gestures as sorely lacking from my vicinity at the moment. I’m really not trying to be all “woe, is me.” If you know me at all you know I’d rather do everything for myself so the fact that I’m asking for you all to be around more often at the moment means something.

I can’t help but notice that this particular phenomenon is certainly a reflection of how we all tend to move through the world these days. We all have our stuff going on and we seldom slow down to tend to those right next to us. We talk a good game about love and beauty and mindfulness but exercise little grace in our actual dealings with one another either through overt mistreatment or the more benign neglect we afflict on one another. I’m challenging you to use this  as an opportunity to do better. Being on this end of it, I know I will given the opportunity.

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