finding my fly: two weeks

8 Oct

Two weeks ago at this very moment my night nurse was bringing me a piece of chocolate cake. I woke up to receiving another dose of meds (to make sure my pain stayed under control at all times) and told him how hungry I was. Asked him if he had any cookies (random) or anything. He leaves the room for a couple minutes and delivers to me a piece of good ol hospital chocolate cake. Just 6 hours earlier a team of surgeons were digging around in my spine trying to fix me and here I was sinking a fork into some cake. 

For the last 14 days, each day has tasted sweeter than the last. 

The smallest things are filling me with so much joy it’s almost hard to contain myself. I’m overrun with energy, it’s almost becoming a problem, hence my late-night posts instead of blogging at more reasonable hours. 

There’s a darker side to all this sweetness, however. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. When mentioning to my friend how I have a fear that suddenly I’m going to have all my pain come rushing back she replies matter-of-factly “Duh, you were traumatized.” She is absolutely right. For the last 4 years and especially the last two I have felt held hostage by my body. I have felt as if nothing I did had any chance of a different outcome. I had such severe crises suddenly attack me that I lost every ability of a sovereign adult. I lost the ability to go to the bathroom by myself, to wash my own body, to cook myself food, to dress. I had all control stripped away from me on more than one occasion. I have had to opt out of more experiences, activities, night’s out, hiking trips, movie nights, conferences than I can even remember. I have turned in sub-par work, had to pass on opportunities, spent thousands of dollars. I have PTSD from my pain. My pain was my tormentor, captor and parasite. So when I expect it to return it’s like knowing your abusive husband will be home from work soon and dinner better be on the table and piping hot. 

I know it is imperative at this juncture in my healing that I seek out tools to help me adjust to my new normal. I need to be sure that small sensations of pain aren’t escalated in my psyche to then become bigger problems. Thought, creates, this I know. I need help and skills to channel all of this energy in a healthy way that doesn’t result in me burning myself out too soon. I need an outlet to discuss how traumatizing and insidious the level of pain at which I existing was for me, I can only discuss it so much with near-strangers and acquaintances inquiring with polite interest. 

My plan is to call Kaiser in the AM and check on my referral to the chronic pain clinic (that should have come through a month ago) because perhaps I can find a therapist or even support group there for former pain sufferers. Even when the physical healing is done, the psychological healing continues. On whole though, I feel amazing and grateful and like the world is opening up like an oyster for me.  

surgery update: all my sutures dissolved so now I just have a scab! whoo! whoo! Still can’t lift more than 5lb for another month. My house is never gonna get vacuumed 😦

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